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One of the most impactful seminars I ever attended was my first “self-development” seminar. The title of it was “Dealing with Difficult People.” The reason why I would say the seminar was “impactful” is not only because of the lessons I learned that day, but because of the reflections I still experience today on a seminar I took years ago!
So how does one exactly deal with “difficult” people?
If you asked me for my answer, after all these years, and all that I’ve reflected upon, it would be this:
“Eliminate them.”
Wow. Harsh, right?
Not so fast. Let me explain, but first, let me ask you a question:
“What is a ‘difficult’ person?” Could you please tell me?
Perhaps you may tell me that a difficult person is someone who “gets under their skin,” or “always has an unpleasant disposition,” or someone who “talks all the time,” or “always passes the blame onto other people.” Maybe a “difficult” person is “obnoxious,” or a “know it all.” Still, some may describe a “difficult” person as “gripers,” or “yes people,” or “passive aggressive.”
Now before I go on, I’ve been there. Trust me. If you search my blog archives long and hard enough, you’ll find that I had little compassion for those “difficult” people at one time. I was just trying to figure out how to help other people deal with them at the same time I was trying to figure out what to do with them.
But, here’s the revelation I’ve experienced about all of this…All of the above descriptions are either interpretations or diagnoses. For example, when someone “talks all the time,” do they really, literally talk all the time? Maybe it’s just that they talk “more than you’d prefer?”
Or how about the “unpleasant disposition?” When does one go from having an “unpleasant” one to a “pleasant” one? Where’s the “magic” threshold they would need to cross? And who’s the judge as far as what’s pleasant and what’s unpleasant anyway? Would your idea be in alignment with others’?
And, what’s a “griper?” What is “griping?” What’s a “yes” person? Someone who always says “yes?” Do they always say yes? They never say no? Actually, I happen to know of a lot of people who would be categorized as “yes” people who say “no” more often than I’d prefer!
Okay, so maybe you get the point. But if you don’t, I’ll lay it down for you like this:
To label someone as “difficult” is to judge. And, that judgment comes through diagnoses and interpretations that lead you to that label. As you can see, diagnoses and interpretations are not actual factual representations of what a person did or said. All the labels do is increase the distance and difference between people, namely you and that other person.
What do you and that other person have in common? Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever considered what it may be like for that person to be who they are, in their shoes? Did you ever stop to think how the things you do and say may be interpreted or diagnosed by others?
That’s why I say to “eliminate” the “difficult” people. When we eliminate the labels, judgments, diagnoses, and interpretations, we get through all of that and get to what really may be going on, which is…
You!
How do you feel when you are in the presence of this person? Do you have negative feelings? Remember, nobody “makes” you feel a certain way. Only you “make” yourself feel the way you do. So, given that your negative feelings are originated and generated within you, what is going on inside of you that is leading to those feelings? Is there something that you need and are not getting? Is there something you can do — is there a request you can make — to allow others to help you get what you need?
Sometimes the things that frustrate us most about other people are actually mini-stories about what’s alive in us. We may have been led to believe that by learning how to better “deal” with a “difficult” person may “make” us feel better about ourselves, but in reality, it has nothing to do with the other person.
When we can start to look inward, and reflect upon how we deal with our own feelings, that is when the “difficult” people will begin to disappear, because we come to realize that “difficulty” has everything to do with what’s alive inside of us, and very little to do with the people we interact with on a daily basis.
Photo source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/therikpics/7913754434/
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I might add, if you permit, that the part that’s angry inside us is often driven by expectations we have of others. If we somehow find a way to welcome the other without expectations, anger has nothing to cling on! And in the case of a person that you have to see continually (like a mother-in-law), I’d say draw a big bubble outside yourself and let the things bounce off, and let go. Does that sound too superficial? I say that keeping inner peace is the most important, in those circumstances. You have a great insight though on moving from the outside to the inside!
I’ll agree with that Genevieve. Welcoming others without expectation is a fine way to approach this. Regardless of whether others may believe it to be superficial or not, sometimes we have to start with anything to gain traction, and then get deeper as we continue to reflect and learn. Thanks for your comment! Much appreciated!