Category Archives for "communication"

How Do We Deal with Difficult People? | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | communication

One of the most impactful seminars I ever attended was my first “self-development” seminar.  The title of it was “Dealing with Difficult People.”  The reason why I would say the seminar was “impactful” is not only because of the lessons I learned that day, but because of the reflections I still experience today on a seminar I took years ago!

So how does one exactly deal with “difficult” people?

If you asked me for my answer, after all these years, and all that I’ve reflected upon, it would be this:

“Eliminate them.”

Wow.  Harsh, right?

Not so fast.  Let me explain, but first, let me ask you a question:

“What is a ‘difficult’ person?”  Could you please tell me?

Perhaps you may tell me that a difficult person is someone who “gets under their skin,” or “always has an unpleasant disposition,” or someone who “talks all the time,” or “always passes the blame onto other people.”  Maybe a “difficult” person is “obnoxious,” or a “know it all.”  Still, some may describe a “difficult” person as “gripers,” or “yes people,” or “passive aggressive.”

Now before I go on, I’ve been there.  Trust me.  If you search my blog archives long and hard enough, you’ll find that I had little compassion for those “difficult” people at one time.  I was just trying to figure out how to help other people deal with them at the same time I was trying to figure out what to do with them.

But, here’s the revelation I’ve experienced about all of this…All of the above descriptions are either interpretations or diagnoses.  For example, when someone “talks all the time,” do they really, literally talk all the time?  Maybe it’s just that they talk “more than you’d prefer?”

Or how about the “unpleasant disposition?”  When does one go from having an “unpleasant” one to a “pleasant”  one?  Where’s the “magic” threshold they would need to cross?  And who’s the judge as far as what’s pleasant and what’s unpleasant anyway?  Would your idea be in alignment with others’?

And, what’s a “griper?”  What is “griping?”  What’s a “yes” person?  Someone who always says “yes?”  Do they always say yes?  They never say no?  Actually, I happen to know of a lot of people who would be categorized as “yes” people who say “no” more often than I’d prefer!

Okay, so maybe you get the point.  But if you don’t, I’ll lay it down for you like this:

To label someone as “difficult” is to judge.  And, that judgment comes through diagnoses and interpretations that lead you to that label.  As you can see, diagnoses and interpretations are not actual factual representations of what a person did or said.  All the labels do is increase the distance and difference between people, namely you and that other person.

What do you and that other person have in common?  Have you ever thought about that?  Have you ever considered what it may be like for that person to be who they are, in their shoes?  Did you ever stop to think how the things you do and say may be interpreted or diagnosed by others?

That’s why I say to “eliminate” the “difficult” people.  When we eliminate the labels, judgments, diagnoses, and interpretations, we get through all of that and get to what really may be going on, which is…

You!

How do you feel when you are in the presence of this person?  Do you have negative feelings?  Remember, nobody “makes” you feel a certain way.  Only you “make” yourself feel the way you do.  So, given that your negative feelings are originated and generated within you, what is going on inside of you that is leading to those feelings?  Is there something that you need and are not getting?  Is there something you can do — is there a request you can make — to allow others to help you get what you need?

Sometimes the things that frustrate us most about other people are actually mini-stories about what’s alive in us.  We may have been led to believe that by learning how to better “deal” with a “difficult” person may “make” us feel better about ourselves, but in reality, it has nothing to do with the other person.

When we can start to look inward, and reflect upon how we deal with our own feelings, that is when the “difficult” people will begin to disappear, because we come to realize that “difficulty” has everything to do with what’s alive inside of us, and very little to do with the people we interact with on a daily basis.

Photo source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/therikpics/7913754434/

Can Compliments Cause Harm to Others?

By Dr. Victor Schueller | belief systems

“I can retract what I did not say, but I cannot retract what I already have said.” ~Solomon Ibn Gabirol

I just finished reading a delightful book titled Words That Hurt, Words That Heal: How To Choose Words Wisely And Well by Joseph Telushkin.  It was a relatively quick read, full of wonderful stories that really helped drive home the points being brought across.  It also included many great takeaways and things to ponder that I hadn’t really thought about or considered before reading the book.

One of the many major points of wisdom that I walked away with as a major takeaway came very early on in the book.  It was found in the chapter titled, “The Irrevocable Damage Inflicted by Gossip.”  In that chapter Telushkin talks about “three types of speech that people should decrease or eliminate.”  They are as follows:

1. Information and comments about others that are nondefamatory and true

2. Negative, though true, stories — information that lowers the esteem in which people about whom it is told

3. Lies and rumors — statements that are negative and false

Were you as surprised as I was with number one above?  Information and comments about others that are nondefamatory and true should be decreased?  Eliminated?

As a matter of fact, Telushkin even offers the question right up: “What possible reason could there be for discouraging people from exchanging such innocuous, even complimentary, information?”

That’s a great question, and I was curious to find out the rationale for adopting such a stance.  It turns out that there are about three reasons for doing so.  The first reason for shying away from nondefamatory and true statements is because, as Telushkin offers, “…the listener might not find the information so innocuous.  While one person is describing how wonderful the party was, the other might well wonder, ‘Why wasn’t I invited?  I had them over to my house just a month ago.'”

The second reason for staying away from this practice is because “gossip rarely remains so.”  Most of the human population is more likely to focus on “critical evaluations” rather than “exchanging accolades.”  The truth is that most people, left to their own devices, will focus on the one thing they don’t like about a person when there are many other characteristics and qualities about that same person that are admirable and honorable.

Finally, the third reason we would be best served to decrease or eliminate nondefamatory and true statements about others is found in the Book of Proverbs: “He who blesses his neighbor in a loud voice in the morning, it will later be thought a curse” (27:14).  Telushkin explains in more understandable and relatable terms: “if a person comes to public notice even as a result of a neighbor’s ‘blessing’ (a positive association), the intense scrutiny engendered by his newfound fame ultimately will probably damage his good name — or worse.”

Telushkin makes a compelling argument as to why it may be in our best interest to stay away from these true, but nondefamatory statements.  I can certainly relate to all three of the points he had mentioned, both on the giving and receiving end!  I must admit, however, that it does seem counterintuitive and seemingly more harmful to refrain from doing so.  Then, I am left to wonder: is it simply social conditioning?  Are we “programmed,” so to speak, to offer compliments and positive statements about others as a social nicety? But then again, even as we do this, and speak kindly of others, are we actually harming those of which we speak?  At the very least, it gave me pause for thought.

What are your thoughts?  Do you believe it is better to compliment and speak kindly of others, or have you experienced, either on the giving or receiving end, that to do so causes more harm than good?  I’d love to hear what you have to say.  Please leave a comment below and I promise to respond.

 

Photo copyright Ethan Lofton. Images shared via creative commons license. Click here for link to image.

Are All Feelings Equal? | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | belief systems

It is my belief that one of the most troublesome issues with our communications with other people is that we, make as Marshall Rosenberg puts it a very “unnatural” way of talking “very natural.”  And, as a result, we end up hurting a lot of people in the process, or getting caught up in a lot of other people’s concerns and affairs, most of which we have absolutely no business getting involved with in the first place.

That’s because we talk about our feelings.  But, not all feelings are equal.  And, when we start treating all feelings as equal, that’s when we run into problems.

In reality, many of the things we have come to believe to be feelings are not feelings at all.  Rather, they are just interpretations or diagnoses of what we think other people are doing.  What we really should be saying, truthfully, is that we “think,” rather than “feel.”

Let me break it down for you.  We may say something like “I feel like Beth is trying to take advantage of me.”  We have good intentions as we start out by saying “I feel…,” however, as soon as we insert the word “like,” we’re dealing with something completely different.

Try this out…Replace the words “feel like” in the sentence above with the word “think.”  Now, the same statement is more truthful, as we now say, “I think Beth is trying to take advantage of me.”  When we do this, we now uncover the term “feel” for what it really is…It’s really an interpretation of the other person’s intentions.  It’s our diagnosis of what is going on.

When we are talking about how we actually feel, we don’t “feel like” anything.  We don’t “feel like” we’re sad, and we don’t “feel like” we’re happy.  We simply “feel” sad, or “feel” happy.  True feelings cannot be interpreted or diagnosed, because they are true.  Nobody can question whether you feel happy or sad, because you either do feel this way or you don’t.  “Real” feelings are always true.

So, not all feelings are equal.  There are some “false” feelings, which are really diagnoses or interpretations.  They are vehicles by which we try to express, albeit ineffectively, what we “think” the other person intends to do or what the motives are behind their actions.  These are not true feelings.

True feelings are a reflection of what’s alive in that person at any given moment.  True feelings are those of excitement, joy, sadness, despair, anger, frustration, and happiness.

The other problem that we face when we try to pass along “false” feelings as something legitimate is that the interpretations or diagnoses open both parties up to a debate.  For example, if I were to say to Beth, “I feel that you are trying to take advantage of me,” she can easily respond by denying that this is her intention.  There is no better way to put someone on the offensive than to tell them what you think their intentions are, especially if you think their intentions are suspect.  Chances are you will not easily reach a peaceful outcome through this methodology.

What do I recommend you do as an alternative?  Speak to what you can observe.  Instead of thinking that someone is “trying to take advantage” of a situation, perhaps speaking about how they asked you for your availability, but then scheduled a meeting at one of the only times you were not available would be beneficial for you to get to the bottom of the issue.  By speaking to the facts which are undeniable, you can then get to the bottom of the issue.  Interpretations are not necessary when you utilize the facts to determine what is going on.

Remember that we need to de-condition ourselves from speaking about “feelings” that are really thoughts, diagnoses, and interpretations.  We’ve been conditioned for much of our lives to use the term “feel” interchangeably with “think,” but when we do, we will end up offending others and creating more problems than we solve.  Use the term “feel” only when you follow it up with an emotion, and not followed by words like “you” or “like.”  You’ll find that the less “thinking” you do about what other people are doing, the more success you’ll have resolving difficult situations.

 

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Do You Persist or Give up When a Working Relationship Is a Struggle? | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | communication

What happens when you want something to work so badly that you’ll try almost anything to make it happen?

What happens if you fail?  Do you keep persisting, or do you throw in the towel and give up?

That’s a tough question, because there’s the mindset and philosophy that you won’t get anywhere without hard work, but at the same time, there’s also a philosophy that things “happen for a reason.”

So, when things don’t work out, is it because we just haven’t come upon the solution that works, like Thomas Edison, who endured thousands of failures, but persisted through them until he created working inventions?  Or, is it because it’s the “universe” telling us that the reason it’s not working is because it’s just not meant to be, and to push through that would just mean more pain, suffering, and failure?

Let’s say you work with someone, and you just don’t seem to hit it off.  As much as you try to make that working relationship work, you can work together, but it’s never a close working relationship.  No matter what you try, and no matter what things you try, it’s a struggle and nothing improves the relationship.

Are you going to keep persisting, because you simply haven’t come up with the solution that works, or are you going to chalk it up to “fate” and throw in the towel on the hopes for anything more than a functional working relationship?

Functional versus personal

Here’s my thought on the matter: When it comes to you working on something that is more of a functional process — something that doesn’t require the cooperative efforts of another being, such as another person, the old “try and keep trying” adage may serve you well.  If it’s about you being the sole individual involved in a process, like trying to get something to be functional, trying to invent something, or trying to create something, this naturally is going to lend itself to failures and revisions along the way.

However, when the dynamics of another being are involved, this is where it gets a little tougher to know how to proceed.  People are electromagnetic emitters and receivers.  They send out and receive waves of energy.  Even if you’re dealing with someone who isn’t aware of this or in tune with the energy exchanged between two people, they still are affected by it and still emit that energy.

Here’s the thing — the energy they are putting “out there” is a result of their own body’s physiological processes.  This means that if a person is happy, they’ll be emitting a certain type of energy signal, and if they are not happy, they’ll emit another.

Simply put, if someone is just not “into you,” their energy is going to be a reflection of that, and it will not be in sync with yours if you are more “into” a working relationship with them.

When you have two frequencies that are not in congruence with each other there is dissonance and interference.  There will not be harmony of the frequencies.  So, you can try and try again, but if every time they’re just not “into it” as much as you are, things won’t amount to much more than polite and professional interactions.  And, that’s not such a bad thing.  It is much better than impolite and unprofessional interactions!

In this case, chalk it up to a big “universal” message which is saying to you it just “isn’t meant to be.”

Just walk away

That’s right.  Just walk away.  Likes attract likes, and you’re just not “like” that other person.  No hard feelings.  It may be a blessing in disguise.  There may be a very good reason why you don’t match up with them.

When it comes to dealing with other people, in my humble opinion, when it’s just not working, don’t sweat it, and don’t try to push through it, hoping that some miracle will occur and things will magically work out.  That is, however, unless the other person is equally aware of the energy dynamic, and is sensitive to it and also wants to make it work out.  When two people cooperatively are aware and willing to work on the relationship because they identify the importance of a coherent working relationship, you really can both work at it over and over to get things to work.  And, chances are, if you’re both coming from that place, things will work out in the end in your favor.

However, if the other person is not aware and not participating in making that relationship work, and things aren’t lining up for you, in my opinion it just isn’t meant to be and it’s better for you to pursue meaningful working relationships with other people who are more like you and interested in a coherent working relationship and all it has to offer.  There’s often a reason why some relationships work and others don’t, and often the reason lies in the invisible factors we cannot see nor appreciate much of the time.  But, these factors are very real.

Relationships take work, yes, but usually the work comes after you both have determined the relationship is worth something.  If you’re working hard on the front end just trying to make it worth something, you’re probably spending more time and effort than it’s worth, and it’s time to walk away.

Did you find this article helpful?  Please let me know what you thought in the comments below!

Photo: http://www.freeimages.com/gallery/ambrozjo

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