Would You Tell Your Best Friend They’re Not Good Enough?

By Dr. Victor Schueller | belief systems

I recall a conversation I had with a client who was struggling with her self-confidence and feelings of self-worth.  As I asked questions about how she felt about herself, she regularly put herself down and confirmed to herself and me that she wasn’t good at certain things, and detailed how she struggled with different aspects of her life.

Finally, after letting this conversation go on for some time, I pointed out that she wasn’t speaking about herself in a very flattering manner, and I asked her one simple question:

“Would you talk to your best friend the same way you’re talking to yourself?”

She paused and thought about it.  Finally she broke the silence with a rather sheepish response of “No.”

So, I ask you — would you talk to your best friend the same way that you talk to yourself?

Do you tell yourself how you’re a loser, or that you’re not good enough, or that you don’t have talents in certain areas?

And, if you do, why?  What do you get out of putting yourself down?  And, why are you so critical of yourself in the first place?

Instead of spending so much time in a “judgment” zone, why not try spending more time in a “reflection and analysis” zone?

Try asking more questions of yourself — questions that don’t have solid answers.

Some great questions to try would be as follows:

“Why do I believe I need to change who or how I am?”

“Who is this change important to?”

“Why do I believe I need to be critical of myself?”

“What do I get out of being critical?”

“How would my life change if I would change this about myself?”

These are just starters, but they are intended to help you get going on asking yourself questions for which only you can answer.

Through my own self-inquiry and reflection, I’ve realized that sometimes the only reason why I felt that changes were necessary were because of things that other people had told me, or because I was attached to some sort of outcome or desired something that was more material than anything else.  Once I let go of being attached to it, I realized that there really was no change that was necessary.  Or, I determined that there was nothing I could do about it, and it wasn’t worth getting upset about it in the first place.

I’ve determined that if I spend less time judging myself, and more time simply getting to know who I am and accepting myself for who I am, I am much more relaxed and at peace with myself.  Instead of thinking thoughts that are critical and that put me down, I think about who I am and what it means to be me.

Is it possible that there are things, after self-analysis, that you still don’t like about yourself, and that you do want to change?  Absolutely.

At that time, then perhaps you can ask yourself why it is that you want to change those things.  A great place to start is to look at your own set of personal values.  Is this thing you wish to change in violation or at an incongruence with your main set of personal values?  And, if so, what can you do to move things to better alignment?

Instead of taking time to be critical of yourself, why not spend the time to get to know yourself better?  How can you speak to yourself in a more kind way, and how can you help yourself through self-reflection to better help you determine the best next step in your own development and growth?

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/debord/4932655275

How Comfortable Are You with Silence?

By Dr. Victor Schueller | health

The other day, I had the opportunity to “just be.”  I didn’t have anything pressing to do, and I had that rare opportunity when all my household chores and other responsibilities were taken care of.  Because I have the luxury of it being summer, I just walked out on the deck behind my house and just “was.”

And it felt a little bit “uncomfortable.”

At first, I had thoughts arising, trying to tell me that to “just be” is not a productive use of time.

“Is there something else I can be doing?” I thought.

“But, what should I do with this time?  Should I just ‘sit here?’ Can I just do that?  Is that okay?” was the next stream of thought that crossed my awareness.

But then, I just treated those thoughts the same way as I treated the sound of the wind through the trees and the sound of the birds singing in the distance.  I distanced myself from “perceiving” the thoughts as thoughts, and just treated them as the “sounds of the environment,” and the thoughts eventually subsided.  Heck, I finally had some time to “just be,” and I wasn’t going to squander that opportunity!

Then, I just started to open my awareness further.  I let the sounds around me just come to me.  I took a close look at the individual flowers in the flower box before me.  I looked at the leaves, and noted their colors, characteristics, shapes, and fragrances.  I just took it all in, without analysis, judgment, or critique.

I just “was.”  I allowed for things to just “happen.”  And I became okay with that.

Upon reflecting on this day, I realized that the initial encounter with silence, and “just being” brought about uncomfortable feelings.  I realized that to “just be” was not welcomed at first.

I began to think about how I could have been doing something else that is “more productive” with that precious time, and I would venture to guess some would define that feeling within as “guilt.”

Why?

Why do we feel uncomfortable with “just being,” and being silent?  Why do we believe we have to fill each moment of every day with some sort of activity, meaningful or not?  Why do we seek stimulation in the form of work, tasks, chores, events, and recreation?

Why is it not okay to “just be?”

My take on it is that we have become so conditioned to seek stimulation, because we have grown uncomfortable with silence.  And, my take is also that this is unfortunate.  Within silence, there is so much to be discovered.  There is so much that we just take for granted, don’t recognize, and don’t appreciate with our desire to stay busy and occupied.  There is also so much “internal” discoveries that lie buried, simply because we have grown uncomfortable with ourselves.

And, in my opinion, we’re missing out on so much when we don’t feel comfortable with ourselves.

We’ve become accustomed to filling our days with sound, activity, and occupation that we don’t take the time to be quiet and “hear” what we actually have to say.  And, I don’t mean the thoughts that come about when we’re quiet for two or three minutes before we succumb to all the “voices” in our heads that tell us about how upset we should be about what someone did or said, or how being silent is just “silly,” because it’s not going to reveal anything anyway.

I mean the thoughts that come to mind when we just sit there and tell that “noisy mind voice” that we’re not going to budge.  It’s those thoughts that come to mind when we allow those “noisy mind voices” to blend into the environmental noises that surround us.  It’s treating them like the hum of the refrigerator, the whisper of the wind, the birds tweeting in the distance, and the clock ticking on the wall.

When we can finally get quiet, beyond the initial “arguments” of our inner thoughts, we can then finally get a chance to be with our authentic selves.  We will finally come to meet our true loving, caring, compassionate self.

Who knows?  You may be surprised (and actually enjoy) who you meet!

A few months ago (when it was much colder) I did a video on the voice (and wisdom) of silence.  I invite you to watch it here.

Thoughts? Reflections?  Please respond below.  I’d love to read what comes to mind for you.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/aigle_dore/10876094015

How Much Does It Really Matter?

By Dr. Victor Schueller | communication

One of my absolute favorite places to be is right in the middle of a forest.  I love being surrounded by nothing but nature, immersed in the sounds of the wind blowing through the leaves of the trees, the singing of the birds, and the sounds of the animals as they scurry about through the leaves and up the trees.

It’s my haven; it’s my eden.  It’s my place of calm and serenity.  It’s where I love to be whenever I can get there, and it is a place where I feel grounded, at peace, and a place where I can become very clear.

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity on a beautiful day to make my way to a local nature center, which features a lengthy walking path through the woods.  Along the way, I took my time and just took in the sounds, smells, and other sensations.

As I made my way to one of the thickest areas of the forest, I stopped, listened, and observed.  I began to think about a lot of things that people spend their time concerned with, such as what’s being reported on in the news, what’s going on in sports, what’s going on at work, and other things in which people consume their thoughts and affairs.

Finally, amidst it all, one question popped into my head, as I stood there, listening and observing:

“How much does it really matter?”

How much do those birds care about what’s going on in sports?  Do the squirrels have a care about the individual or collective problems we face?  What do the trees have to say about it?  How much does does that really matter right here, right now, in this forest?

When I took the time to think about it through this perspective, it was extremely pacifying and calming.  It also provided a moment of levity, as I realized that sometimes the things that we get caught up in, in a much different and larger perspective, really don’t matter as much as we think they do when we are completely immersed in whatever it is that we’re caught up in at the moment (and keep going back to with our thoughts).

I reflected upon this afterward, trying to figure out why exactly I felt that extreme calm and serenity at that moment.  The answer came later as I was reading a piece about conflict resolution, and there was a passage about gaining a point of view that is outside yourself and broadening your perspective.

“That’s it!”  I thought.  It’s a change in perspective.  When I was in those woods, I began to view the world considering the perspective of the forest as a whole and everything within it.  I thought about the trees and the animals, and wondered what our individual human concerns meant to the forest.  At that moment, the individual, egoic concerns of mine (and human kind as a whole) seemed completely miniscule, minor, and irrelevant, and it was lovely (and liberating).

I encourage you to find your own personal haven.  Perhaps, just like me, it’s the forest.  Maybe it’s on a calm lake, or perhaps on the beach along the ocean.  Maybe it’s only a place you know about.  Wherever it is, I encourage you to visit that place, either physically or mentally, and just immerse yourself in the experience.  Take in the sounds, sights, smells, and any other sensations you can, and just “be” for a moment.

Listen to the “symphony” of sounds that exist in the here and now.  Think about this haven as a whole entity, rather than a collection of individual parts.  Just take it all in.

Then, finally, once you’ve gained a perspective of your haven, just observe and reflect.  Let things happen, and see what thoughts come to mind for you.  Perhaps you’ll also find those moments of absolute clarity, which provide you with the peace and serenity you desire, or perhaps you’ll find moments of inspiration that will help you in one or more ways.

When we can assume a point of view outside of ourselves, sometimes we can gain the peace and clarity that we desire to give us a sense of perspective of the size of our own concerns.  For me, the simple question of “How much does that really matter” had a profound effect upon me, and has carried over into my life outside of my haven, and has still provided clarity and peace many times over.

I wish you the best on your journey to your haven, and as you discover those moments of peace, serenity, and clarity.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/nicholas_t/4676922881

Is Our “Wanting” Preventing Us from “Getting?” | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | belief systems

I know I’ve written about it and spoken about it before.  The ego is not our friend.  Not by a long shot.  And, you and I both may know that the ego restricts us from reaching that “whatever-it-is-that-we-want-to-be” type of place we’re wanting to be.

Upon much reflection as of late, I’ve come to ask myself this question: “WHO is the ego?”  Or, asked in an alternative way, “WHAT is the ego?”

On the surface, the ego is that conscious entity that fills our awareness with lots of thoughts.  The thoughts usually come to us as a “voice” or “stream of phrases and ideas” that are perceived internally.  And, the reason why the ego is not our friend is because the ego can only exist if it can convince us that we need it to stick around.

The way it attempts to do this for us is by telling us that we’re either better than others or not good enough (usually more of the latter).  We continue to compare ourselves with others, and wonder why we are such a failure, or why we can’t accomplish what we want to accomplish, or why we are such miserable excuses for people, or why we aren’t a “better” person all around.

Congratulations, ego.  You’ve done your work.  You can stick around…You’ve gotten “into our heads.”  You’ve got us thinking, and not about the things we necessarily want to think.

But, then again, “WHO is the ego?”  Where does it come from?  The ego is consciousness.  It has to be, right?  It has to be because we are consciously aware of it.  The ego usually enters our awareness in the form of conscious thoughts.  Yes, we can choose our thoughts, but as the chooser of thought, are we not also the thinker?  Who’s doing the thinking?  Who’s doing the listening of the thinking?

“WHAT is the ego?” Is it a part of us?  It has to be, right?  Otherwise, if we don’t acknowledge that it’s a part of us, then where does it come from, and why in heaven’s name is some external entity coming along and putting thoughts into our heads?

So here’s where I am so far: There’s this “thing” called the “ego” that we don’t want in our life, because it does more “less-than-wonderful” things than “wonderful” things for us.  It is consciousness, because we are aware of it, yet, it must be originating from within us, otherwise we would not be able to be aware of its presence.

As far as I can determine at this juncture, “WE” are the ego.  The ego is us, or at least this “being” that we’ve come to identify as “I.”  The “ego” and the “I” are inseparable.  They are one and the same.

So, here’s the rub and the difficulty, from my standpoint: If the “ego” and “I” are inseparable, how can “I” eliminate the ego without eliminating the “I?”  As Alan Watts puts it well, “It’s like trying to bite your teeth.”  The “thing” that you’re trying to eliminate is the “thing” that needs to do the eliminating.  You can’t do it!

As much as we want to eliminate the entity that is the ego the more it sticks around.  It’s like telling you to not think about a white rabbit.  The first thing you’re going to think about is — you guessed it — a white rabbit.  The more we consciously try to eliminate it, the more it persists.  And, forget about trying to get rid of it, because the “I” who is trying to eliminate it is one and the same entity.

Well, then what are we to do?  How are we to get to that “whatever-it-is-that-we-want-to-be” type of place we’re wanting to be?

We’re already there.  This is it.  It’s the “now.”  This is life.  Full of its struggles, surprises, twists, turns, and adventures.

Everything we “want” is here.  In that, I mean that it is with what we do “here” and “now” that gets us to the next “here” and “now,” and so on and so forth.

When we begin taking in “what is” and focusing less on what we “want,” we hold the universe in our hands, and it holds us in its hands.

You see, there is no “I” or “you” or “anything else.”  It’s all the same universe, with perceived boundaries and separateness and differentiation.  We come from this universe and it affects us as much as we affect it.  We’re one and the same.

This “wanting” “stuff” is “noise,” in my opinion.  It’s our conscious creation.  It comes from linear thinking — thinking that leads us to believe, for example, that there is such a thing as “time.”  And, if you think time is anything else than a perception that we have created, let me ask you this — what differentiates “present” from “past” from “future?”  Where is the definable, hard “line” that separates all three?  It’s a continuum that has no beginning or end or separations.  Everything we define as the “past,” “present,” and “future” is all happening at once, beyond our level of perception.

So is it possible that our “wanting” is preventing us from “getting?”  What is it that we “need” to “get” anyway?

I’m still trying to figure it out.  If you have any thoughts, let me know.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/victorianevland/12505301425

What Were You Thinking? | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | belief systems

Thoughts are powerful.  Without the power of thinking, we would not progress as a society.  We would lack innovation and creativity.  We would not enjoy the advent of new technology and the benefits of such.  However, sometimes “thinking” can get us into trouble.  But the reason why may not be the reason you “think.”

The reason is that, tragically, in my opinion, many people believe “thoughts” to be things that really aren’t at all proper thoughts.  To demonstrate, I’ll provide two different examples of “thoughts” to allow you to distinguish between the two:

Example 1: “I think that the most efficient way to communicate with others is to enter their information into a mailing list database, whereas I can send them all communication at one time with the click of a button.”

Example 2: “I think that she is trying to be efficient because she is sending me communication through a mailing list database.”

So, which “thought,” of the two given examples above,  is a proper thought?

If you picked the first example, then you and I are in agreement.  And here’s why — The first “thought” is a reflection; it’s an observation.  It’s a reflection of our reflections.  It’s internal.  It may be the result of deliberation and experiences and the sum of many different experiences that lead to the formulation of an idea about something.  That is what I would deem a “proper” thought.

The reason why I do not agree that the second example is a proper “thought” is because the use of the term “think” in that second example is not a reflection or an observation, even though it may appear to be such.  In my opinion, the term “think” is rather an interpretation, or judgment, or analysis of another’s behavior.

Just because you “think” she is trying to be more efficient, you only have the facts available at your disposal, which is that you are receiving email from her through a mailing list.  The rationale behind the observable act is anyone’s guess, with exception to the person who is sending emails through that database.

Now, if you were to ask her person why she is sending emails through the mailing list, and she tells you that she is doing it because she wishes to be more efficient, then you have your answer.  But until you know the facts of the situation, all you have is speculation, conjecture, opinion, judgment, analysis, guesswork, hunches, hypotheses, stabs in the dark, and supposition.

This brings me to the point I am trying to bring across to you today: I advise you to be cautious about what you “think” are “thoughts” that really aren’t proper thoughts at all, because they can end up causing more problems than you’d prefer.  Or, perhaps you’ve already been using them and are trying to figure out why you’re suffering and things aren’t quite as wonderful as you’d like.

Either way, I recommend you give some time to reflect upon what is really a “thought” before you start telling people what you “think.”  Unfortunately, in my opinion, we’ve been conditioned to freely interchange one type of “thought” with the other type of “thought.”  When we tell people we’re “thinking,” what we’re really telling them is how we are interpreting the actions of others.

How can you tell which is which?  Here’s a very easy way to discern between the two — ask yourself what comes after the word “think.”

If the word “he,” “she,” “they,” or “you” follows the word “think,” chances are it’s an interpretation, diagnosis, judgment, and speculation.  This will likely land you in the land of debate and argument and discord.

For example, if you say to someone, “I think that you are being unreasonable,” what do you think your chances are of the other person saying (sincerely), “You’re right.  I’m being completely unreasonable!  Wow.  Boy, did I make a mistake.  My apologies!”  I’ll put it this way: don’t hold your breath waiting for that type of sincere response.

The reason why you won’t get that type of response is because you interpreted and diagnosed the motives behind the observable act that took place.  Before you jump into saying “you’re being unreasonable,” back up and figure out what “unreasonable” looks like.  What actually happened that led to your diagnosis of such?  That’s where the conversation needs to start, in my opinion.

So, what are you thinking?  Are you disguising judgment and diagnosis as a thought?  Or, are you truly and authentically reflecting and contemplating internally?  Take some time to properly “think” about it, and take some more time to “think” before you tell other people what you “think,” and I “think” you’ll be in a much better place as a result.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/seatbelt67/502255276

How Do We Deal with Difficult People? | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | communication

One of the most impactful seminars I ever attended was my first “self-development” seminar.  The title of it was “Dealing with Difficult People.”  The reason why I would say the seminar was “impactful” is not only because of the lessons I learned that day, but because of the reflections I still experience today on a seminar I took years ago!

So how does one exactly deal with “difficult” people?

If you asked me for my answer, after all these years, and all that I’ve reflected upon, it would be this:

“Eliminate them.”

Wow.  Harsh, right?

Not so fast.  Let me explain, but first, let me ask you a question:

“What is a ‘difficult’ person?”  Could you please tell me?

Perhaps you may tell me that a difficult person is someone who “gets under their skin,” or “always has an unpleasant disposition,” or someone who “talks all the time,” or “always passes the blame onto other people.”  Maybe a “difficult” person is “obnoxious,” or a “know it all.”  Still, some may describe a “difficult” person as “gripers,” or “yes people,” or “passive aggressive.”

Now before I go on, I’ve been there.  Trust me.  If you search my blog archives long and hard enough, you’ll find that I had little compassion for those “difficult” people at one time.  I was just trying to figure out how to help other people deal with them at the same time I was trying to figure out what to do with them.

But, here’s the revelation I’ve experienced about all of this…All of the above descriptions are either interpretations or diagnoses.  For example, when someone “talks all the time,” do they really, literally talk all the time?  Maybe it’s just that they talk “more than you’d prefer?”

Or how about the “unpleasant disposition?”  When does one go from having an “unpleasant” one to a “pleasant”  one?  Where’s the “magic” threshold they would need to cross?  And who’s the judge as far as what’s pleasant and what’s unpleasant anyway?  Would your idea be in alignment with others’?

And, what’s a “griper?”  What is “griping?”  What’s a “yes” person?  Someone who always says “yes?”  Do they always say yes?  They never say no?  Actually, I happen to know of a lot of people who would be categorized as “yes” people who say “no” more often than I’d prefer!

Okay, so maybe you get the point.  But if you don’t, I’ll lay it down for you like this:

To label someone as “difficult” is to judge.  And, that judgment comes through diagnoses and interpretations that lead you to that label.  As you can see, diagnoses and interpretations are not actual factual representations of what a person did or said.  All the labels do is increase the distance and difference between people, namely you and that other person.

What do you and that other person have in common?  Have you ever thought about that?  Have you ever considered what it may be like for that person to be who they are, in their shoes?  Did you ever stop to think how the things you do and say may be interpreted or diagnosed by others?

That’s why I say to “eliminate” the “difficult” people.  When we eliminate the labels, judgments, diagnoses, and interpretations, we get through all of that and get to what really may be going on, which is…

You!

How do you feel when you are in the presence of this person?  Do you have negative feelings?  Remember, nobody “makes” you feel a certain way.  Only you “make” yourself feel the way you do.  So, given that your negative feelings are originated and generated within you, what is going on inside of you that is leading to those feelings?  Is there something that you need and are not getting?  Is there something you can do — is there a request you can make — to allow others to help you get what you need?

Sometimes the things that frustrate us most about other people are actually mini-stories about what’s alive in us.  We may have been led to believe that by learning how to better “deal” with a “difficult” person may “make” us feel better about ourselves, but in reality, it has nothing to do with the other person.

When we can start to look inward, and reflect upon how we deal with our own feelings, that is when the “difficult” people will begin to disappear, because we come to realize that “difficulty” has everything to do with what’s alive inside of us, and very little to do with the people we interact with on a daily basis.

Photo source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/therikpics/7913754434/

Guest Post: 5 Simple Habits to Make You Happy, Successful, and Wealthy

By Dr. Victor Schueller | health

Do you brush your teeth twice a day? If you’re like the majority of Americans, you do.

You might think that this is an odd question to start off with on the topic of happiness, but it actually couldn’t be better placed. One of the few habits that has become universally accepted focuses on the health of teeth. And just like perfect teeth don’t come without daily brushing, success and wealth don’t just happen overnight; they are the result of a lifestyle. A set of simple, daily tasks that, compounded over time, lead to one’s ultimate success. If perfect teeth, wealth and success are the result of simple actions repeated daily, could a qualitative trait such as happiness develop in the same way?

After over a decade of research, Shawn Achor, a world-renowned positive psychologist and the author of the Happiness Advantage, has finally found the answer to this question; and I want to share his findings with you. In just two minutes (the time it takes to brush teeth) we can form habits that are scientifically proven to improve mental health and happiness over time. To make matters even more exciting, Shawn has discovered through his research that it is actually happiness that ultimately leads to success, not the other way around like the age-old theory suggests. So if happiness is the result of a simple set of daily habits, and also ultimately leads to success, what can we do to become happier?  Without further ado, I present to you Shawn’s five habits of happiness:

1. Gratitude

An extensive study on the subject of gratitude cites that a one-time act of thoughtful gratitude produced an immediate 10% increase in happiness and 35% reduction in depressive symptoms. Although the effects disappeared after six months, there is a way to permanently increase happiness. In another test, participants were instructed to write down three positive occurrences and their causes every night for one week. The long-lasting impact was incredible.

 “After one week, participants were 2% happier than before, but in follow-up tests, their happiness kept on increasing, from 5% at one month, to 9% at six months. All this, even though they were only instructed to journal for one week.”

There will always be positives and negatives in life, so you’re far better off directing your attention to the positives.

 2. The Doubler

An article by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., suggests that the human brain cannot distinguish between imagination (visualization, dreams) and actual experience. We can use this knowledge to live a much happier existence. Once per day, especially when feeling down, focus on one positive experience in your life and write down as many details as you can remember from it. The details should range from the environment of the experience, to emotions you felt during it, to the clothes you were wearing at the time. If we simply bring ourselves back to a positive experience in our imagination, our brains will react in the same way as if we were actually there.

 3. Fifteen Minutes of Cardio

Doing fifteen minutes of cardio per day has been scientifically proven to be as effective as taking a daily anti-depressant. I could write more on this subject, but you’re probably already aware of the endless benefits of daily exercise. It puts you in a better mindset, releases endorphins, and promotes clearer thinking.

 4. Meditation

It’s hard to deny the remarkable short and long-term benefits of meditation; it helps to reduce stress, decrease anxiety, lower blood pressure, boost the immune system, increase optimism, and the list goes on. You can read about some of the science behind meditation here, here, and here. The goal is to slow down, be mindful, and focus on nothing but your breath for as little as two minutes every day. As long as you are consistent, you will see tremendous changes in your life due to this simple practice.

 5. Send a Positive Email

Before doing anything else in the morning, open up your computer and send one positive email or text to anybody who has had an impact on your life. It could be a thank you note to a middle school teacher, a coach, a professor, a co-worker, or even the hippie you randomly met at a festival. In his book, Shawn Achor describes a study done at Harvard that shows a significantly stronger correlation between happiness and social connection than the one between smoking and cancer. If you do nothing else, do this for twenty-one straight days. There is a much better chance that this simple practice will increase your levels of happiness than there is that you will get cancer from smoking. Make your messages personal and do it first thing in the morning.

If you want to start living a happier, healthier, and ultimately more successful and abundant life, try doing just one of the five things listed above every day. If you can, turn all five into daily habits; it may be easier than you think. If you brush your teeth for 2 minutes a day in order to have a healthier mouth, why not focus on keeping the most important part of your body healthy…? Your mind.

About the Author, Emily Cedar:

Emily is one of the “kids” who started The Kid Monks blog.  In addition to working on her blog, she loves to explore, create, travel, do crossfit, meditate, and chill outdoors.  She bleeds maize and blue and considers herself an optimist when it comes to Michigan Football.  You can contact Emily at emily@thekidmonks.com.

Image: Vishwas Krishna http://goo.gl/5KhRZ4

What Are These Three Words Doing for You? | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | inspiration

“I can’t until…”

Three words.  Three paralyzers.  Do you use them?

Let’s look at the power of these three words, and what they are doing for you.

What is happening, without your awareness, when you say these three words?  Are you avoiding responsibility?  Are you not ready?  Are you actually creating a way of excusing yourself from something?

I had a client who used these three words to offer resistance to making changes.  They offered multiple times that they couldn’t change until certain things occurred in their life.  Some of them were things that would take years to materialize, such as children being old enough to be out of the house, and so forth.  Why do you think they may have used those three words?  What do you think may have been going on with them?

What do those three words do?  While they imply a beginning, they actually mean a finality.

If you say “I can’t,” have you not already made up your mind as to whether you can do it or not?  The “until” is irrelevant, because the “can’t” is where you can get stuck.

Your mind hears the “can’t” and it’s all over.  It’s a paralyzer.

What are those three words doing for you?  Do they give you hope for change?  Do they motivate you and inspire you to move forward?  Do they carry a positive energy?

Take some time to ask yourself some questions about these three words: “I can’t until…”  Here are some self-inquiry prompts to help you get started.  It may be helpful to capture your thoughts and reflections as you explore your responses to these prompts in a journal or some other form of documentation:

  • Why am I really saying “I can’t until?”  What is the reason for saying it?
  • How do I feel when I say “I can’t until?”
  • What is it about the change that I am resisting or uncertain about?
  • Am I being fearful of something, which is showing up as “I can’t until?”
  • Why can’t I do it “until?” Is there any possibility that “I can?”
  • Am I “absorbing” this type of thought from somewhere or someone else?
  • Is there a different way I can phrase this to more accurately capture what I am trying to say in this situation?

Once you have had time to reflect upon these inquiries and review your responses, perhaps you can move on to an action plan.  Here are some action steps to consider to get you started:

  • Note the number of times you say a variation of “I can’t until.”
  • Note the number of times you hear people around you use a variation of “I can’t until.”
  • Challenge yourself to come up with a different way of expressing what you really mean when you say “I can’t until…”
  • Think about ways you can substitute the “I can’t until” thought or mentality with something else like an empowering thought or mentality that will move you forward in a positive direction.
  • Think about ways that you can reduce your exposure to others who may be using the “I can’t until” thought or mentality.

Sometimes we use “I can’t until…” as a way of coping with negative feelings.  It’s not really about learning how to avoid those negative feelings.  It’s okay to recognize and feel those negative emotions and appreciate them for what they are.  However, if you determine that the use of “I can’t until…” is getting between you and where you want to be, perhaps taking the time to reflect upon your own thoughts and mentality and what the source is of those thoughts may be beneficial to you to remove those mental blocks and resistance.

Similarly, if you determine that you are using those words to avoid responsibility, resist change, or avoid something else, are you okay with that?  Is that in alignment with who you are and what you stand for?  If you find that these thoughts are in conflict with your core values, it may be helpful to seek out ways that you can eliminate this thought pattern altogether.  By using the action steps provided above, you can be on your way to starting to do that.

“I can’t until…” What are they doing for you?  Take some time to reflect on it.

 

Photo: http://www.freeimages.com/profile/ilco

Blessing Your Misfortunes – An Unconventional Approach | VictorSchueller.com

By Dr. Victor Schueller | belief systems

I don’t know about you, but it occurs often while I am reading a book that the author makes a reference to another author or book that inspired them.  I immediately stop reading the book and go searching for that author or that book to check it out.  It’s hard to finish a book that way, when you keep interrupting your reading because you’re going off on a scavenger hunt for more books to read!

shinn bookNevertheless, on one of my excursions I came across the writings of Florence Scovel Shinn.  She was born in the 1870s, and she died in 1940.  Behind her she left some absolute gems of writing, one of them, published in 1925, titled The Game of Life and How to Play It.  It is described as down to earth and filled with anecdotes, covering topics that include prosperity, healing, forgiveness, faith, and Divine Design.

The book is an easy read, and it teaches some valuable lessons through many stories and examples.  One of the ideas that I really took to was the idea of essentially “blessing your misfortunes.”  Instead of being angry or fearful about what happened, what may happen, or what is happening, Shinn recommends changing the way you view your circumstances.

Why would you do this?  She explains it this way: “We must substitute faith for fear, for fear is only inverted faith; it is faith in evil instead of good.  The object of the game of life is to see clearly one’s good and to obliterate all mental pictures of evil.  This must be done by impressing the subconscious mind with a realization of good.”

In other words, if you seek all the reasons why you are justified to be suffering from the unfortunate situation, if you affirm that unfortunate things seem to always happen to you, or if you are convinced that people have it in for you and are plotting against you or have evil intentions, you are giving into fear.  You are exhibiting “faith in evil,” instead of having faith in the good in you and the good in everyone and everything around you.

It’s only natural when things go wrong that we brood over it and curse and sit in that place of frustration, anger, and resentment.  The problem with letting this go on is that our mental dialogue starts to take over, and we begin to think about perhaps the other person that’s involved.  We start to think about how they may have done something intentional to us or had ill intentions.

Our mental dialogue may start to chime in about how bad things always happen to us but don’t seem to happen to other people.  We may get more frustrated as we start to compile a list of our misfortunes and start comparing it to those around us, especially those who have a shorter list.

But what does all this do?  It creates a resonance of negative energy within.  It activates the stress centers of our brains, thrusting us into a stress response.  We begin to shut down the thinking parts of our brains, and we crumble to fear and negativity.

By blessing your misfortunes, thanking them for the lesson they taught, and by blessing others who are involved and seeking the good in them, affirming your faith in the good in them, you will begin to have faith in yourself.  You’ll start to activate the loving, compassionate parts of your brain, and you’ll begin to think loving thoughts and bring to mind memories of pleasant experiences and examples of times when things did go well for you.

In short, if you curse your misfortunes, you’ll begin to see misfortune in your world.  If you bless your misfortunes, you’ll begin to see blessings in your world.  Your world becomes a reflection of your thoughts and active concentration.  Concentrate on the good.  BE the good in the situation.  By being, you will shape your environment. By being, you will influence those around you. By being, you will have the power to create your own circumstances and attitude about them.

Begin with blessings, and blessings will follow.  Begin by expressing your faith in the good, and the good will come as a result. When you start counting your blessings, even in your misfortunes, you’ll quickly see that more good will come out of it as a result.

 

Photo: http://www.freeimages.com/profile/cjn

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