How Can I Connect Better with Others? – Part 1

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be discussing what I call the top three contributors to “interpersonal discontent” and misunderstanding.  There are three main contributors, that I believe make up over 90% of the problems we face when it comes to living in peace and harmony with others.  I would contend that if everyone did these three things a little better, the world would be a lot better place to live.

So, for today, I’m going to talk about what I call the “hammer in the toolbox” problem.  This arises when people have difficulty articulating how they feel, and then they have an even more difficult time articulating what it is that they need or what value of theirs is in misalignment.  Finally, people have a very difficult time making requests of others that will help them either get what they need or help them reach a place of alignment with their personal core values.

But before we dive in today about how we can overcome the “hammer in the toolbox” problem, we need to, in my opinion, look at the world we live in first.

Let’s look at our children’s television programming or movies to start.  (Remember, what we show our children over the first seven years of their lives becomes their subconscious “program” that basically “runs the show” 95% of the time for the rest of their lives) If I were to tell you that I would bring a guest to your house that would show your child that it’s okay to kill or beat up another person, would you approve?

I’m guessing that most of you would say, “no” pretty quickly to that question.  Yet, that’s what your television and the cinema does with a lot of popular children’s programming and movies.  Here’s the typical story line: There is an antagonist (the “good” entity).  Things are going well until the antagonist shows up (the “bad” entity).  There is building tension throughout the movie as the antagonist does “bad” things, and then, at the climax, the antagonist is either punished or killed.

Is that pretty accurate?

And why, exactly, does there need to be a bad guy?

Because of what it does to us mentally and emotionally.  We’ve been conditioned to find pleasure in punishment.  It’s the product of a society based on the idea that there is “good” and “bad,” and “right” and “wrong,” and “normal” and “abnormal.”  And, you had better “fall in line” and do what is “good,” “right,” and “normal,” because if you don’t you’ll be punished and an example will be made of you so that others don’t do what you did.

I mean, that’s a very efficient way to control other people.  To heck with how they feel.  We don’t need to know how people feel.  We just need to know that they’ll do what they’re told.  That’s just easier, right?

As a parent, can you not just “tell” you child what to do, without consideration for their feelings?  Sure.  As a supervisor, can you not just “command” your subordinates to do what you want them to do, because you’re their boss and if they don’t they’ll get fired, without consideration for their feelings?  Yes.

But, just because you can do it, does that mean that it is the preferred way to do things?

We don’t talk about our feelings.  We aren’t asked about our feelings.  When were you ever asked about your feelings by your teacher, or during your entire educational process?  What about at work?  Are you asked how you’re feeling?  Probably not, and that is what leads to the “hammer in the toolbox” syndrome.  We lack the know-how on how to express our feelings, and even if we do, it can feel uncomfortable because it’s just “not the way we do things” on this earth and in our society.  To talk of your feelings is to be perceived as “weak” and “too sensitive” to be a leader or effective in anything we do.

And then, when we do muster up the courage to talk of feelings, we’re not really talking about our feelings most of the time.  We say things like “I feel like you’re taking advantage of me,” or “I feel like you’re not listening to me.”  “Like” is not a feeling!  We can feel “happy,” “angry,” “frustrated,” “elated,” “curious,” “perplexed,” “confused,” or even down right “sad,” but we cannot feel “like.”  And I can prove it.  What can you do to feel “happy?”  Now, what can you do to feel “like?”  Yeah, I thought so…

So here we are, unable to articulate how we feel.  So, here’s the first question: “How do you feel?”

Question number 2: “Why do you feel this way?  What is it that you are either getting (usually leads to a positive feeling), or not getting (usually leads to a negative feeling)?  Or, what core value do you hold true to yourself that you are aligned with (usually leads to a positive feeling), or with what value are you not aligned (usually leads to a negative emotion).”

Question number 3: “If you are experiencing a negative emotion, and have identified what it is that is lacking or out of alignment, what can you ask others for, so that you can get it or align with that value?”

When we put this all together, we can connect better by overcoming the “hammer in the toolbox” problem.  The problem, by the way, is that we’re not effectively articulating our needs or unmet values, so we’re just “hammering away” violently, telling people what to do with no regard for their feelings.  This creates a lot of damage, just as if you were to try to do everything you needed to do to build or fix something, but all you had in your toolbox to use was a hammer.

To overcome this problem, we simply have to state what is happening, how we feel about it, and what we need that we’re not getting.  Then, we simply have to ask others to help us get what we want, without demanding it.

When we can do this, we can add another tool to our “toolbox of communication.”  We can also use it to listen to others too!

If you’ve enjoyed this post, you’ll really enjoy my book, Rise Above Criticism, Negativity, and Conflict.  It’s a book that describes the “hammer in the toolbox” problem, and provides you with many more helpful things to consider and apply to your own life to help you speak to and listen to others much more peacefully and effectively.  You can get it by visiting Amazon.com or Barnes And Noble.  It’s a quick read, and people really enjoy it!

I’ll talk with you next week in the next installment of this series, to talk about the second major contributor to “interpersonal discontent” and misunderstanding.  Talk soon!

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/olga-lednichenko-photos-albums-images/6417934707