How Do You Give a Meaningful and Helpful Compliment?

When we want to acknowledge the good deeds or the good works of another individual, for the most part we come up woefully short on doing it in a way that effectively builds relationships. While we do we let the person know that we appreciate their efforts and what they did for us, we do it in a way that does not leave clear feedback as far as exactly what the person did and how that directly affected us, thus missing out on the opportunity for true and deep connection.

Typically, acknowledgement or compliment comes in the form of something like this:

“Mary, you did a great job on that presentation. Things went really well and I appreciate all your help in putting this together. Thank you so much.”

So what does Mary get out of this compliment? The meaningful information she could pull from that compliment was that you thought she did a great job on her presentation and that you appreciate her help. But, what exactly did Mary do? And why did you appreciate it?  What did her presentation do for you? More importantly, what can she continue to do in the future, specifically, in order to arrived at the same place of satisfaction next time?

So let’s start by dissecting how we communicate with other people in a way that clearly shares how we are feeling and what’s alive in us. When there is a desire to share this information we connect at a much deeper level with others.  In order to hold a conversation where we are sharing as much information as possible, we need to start by sharing our feelings related to our needs or values.

Once we communicate our feelings and how they are related to our needs and values then we can move to the action which describes clearly either what we would like to take place or what did take place that led to the feelings.

So, if you’re following along, the parts of meaningful connecting conversations are as follows:

1. Feeling
2. Need or value
3. Action or behavior

As we work to formulate our feedback we need to make sure that we include each of these three items.

So, if we wish to acknowledge a job well done, here’s how it might sound if we include all three parts of the formula above:

“Mary, I wanted to thank you for your presentation. When you listed all of the available options to us, I found it very helpful as I greatly value honesty. When I saw that you were being honest with all of us, and presenting all of the available options, I felt satisfied and pleased. Thank you.”

As you can see in the example above the  feelings of satisfaction and pleasure were shared, along with the value of honesty. Also notice how both the feelings and values where directly related to the action and behavior exhibited by Mary. As you can also see above, the components of ineffective communication do not necessarily have to be in sequential order. Many times, when providing feedback, the first thing you will mention is the action or the behavior, as that is a natural starting point.

What do you think the impact of this type of feedback sharing is on Mary, now that you’ve shared your feelings and values as they relate to her including all of the available options?

You will find that this type of feedback is especially helpful to the person who is receiving it, because when you share how you feel, and how your feelings are tied to your needs or values, and how both are tied to their actions or behaviors,  you are giving them the gift of receiving. They are receiving from you what you are giving to them, which is the sharing of your feelings.

When we can communicate in a way where there is the free sharing of feelings related to needs related to actions and behaviors, we form a very natural and powerful connection with other people. When we can act like this, we find more similarities with each other than differences. When we can act like this with other people, we gain a level of comfort and trust and understanding. And, when we can practice the sharing of feelings and needs and the actions and behavior as related to them in low-risk and positive environment, it provides us with a safe environment that is free of negativity judgement and hostility.

It’s very helpful to practice the sharing of  feelings related to needs related to the actions and behaviors of others in a  non threatening environment, because it allows us to not only forge meaningful connections at the level of the heart with those that we interact with on a regular basis when there’s not much at stake.  These interactions also build levels of trust between ourselves and others, so that when we have to have those more difficult conversations we feel comfortable doing it because of those connections we’ve built along the way.

Keep in mind that this type of interaction does not only have to take place with people who we interact with professionally. We can teach this to our children, so that they can share their appreciation for the people they interact with on a regular basis. We can also use it in our everyday interactions with those that we interact with at home or in other places. And, home is usually a place where we can safely practice these skills, so that when we move to an environment that is not necessarily right in the middle of our comfort zone we still have the confidence and the practice to be able to use this strategy.

So my question to you is this: What opportunities do you see that exist for you to share your appreciation with others? How can you put into practice this quick and effective strategy to communicate very clearly what your feelings are, what your needs are, and the behaviors or actions that contribute to such? And, when can you start putting this strategy into place?

I hope you can find great use for this strategy to enhance your everyday communication and to build  stronger, more heart-centered connections  with those around us.

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/seyyed_mostafa_zamani/4130893030