Would You Tell Your Best Friend They’re Not Good Enough?

I recall a conversation I had with a client who was struggling with her self-confidence and feelings of self-worth.  As I asked questions about how she felt about herself, she regularly put herself down and confirmed to herself and me that she wasn’t good at certain things, and detailed how she struggled with different aspects of her life.

Finally, after letting this conversation go on for some time, I pointed out that she wasn’t speaking about herself in a very flattering manner, and I asked her one simple question:

“Would you talk to your best friend the same way you’re talking to yourself?”

She paused and thought about it.  Finally she broke the silence with a rather sheepish response of “No.”

So, I ask you — would you talk to your best friend the same way that you talk to yourself?

Do you tell yourself how you’re a loser, or that you’re not good enough, or that you don’t have talents in certain areas?

And, if you do, why?  What do you get out of putting yourself down?  And, why are you so critical of yourself in the first place?

Instead of spending so much time in a “judgment” zone, why not try spending more time in a “reflection and analysis” zone?

Try asking more questions of yourself — questions that don’t have solid answers.

Some great questions to try would be as follows:

“Why do I believe I need to change who or how I am?”

“Who is this change important to?”

“Why do I believe I need to be critical of myself?”

“What do I get out of being critical?”

“How would my life change if I would change this about myself?”

These are just starters, but they are intended to help you get going on asking yourself questions for which only you can answer.

Through my own self-inquiry and reflection, I’ve realized that sometimes the only reason why I felt that changes were necessary were because of things that other people had told me, or because I was attached to some sort of outcome or desired something that was more material than anything else.  Once I let go of being attached to it, I realized that there really was no change that was necessary.  Or, I determined that there was nothing I could do about it, and it wasn’t worth getting upset about it in the first place.

I’ve determined that if I spend less time judging myself, and more time simply getting to know who I am and accepting myself for who I am, I am much more relaxed and at peace with myself.  Instead of thinking thoughts that are critical and that put me down, I think about who I am and what it means to be me.

Is it possible that there are things, after self-analysis, that you still don’t like about yourself, and that you do want to change?  Absolutely.

At that time, then perhaps you can ask yourself why it is that you want to change those things.  A great place to start is to look at your own set of personal values.  Is this thing you wish to change in violation or at an incongruence with your main set of personal values?  And, if so, what can you do to move things to better alignment?

Instead of taking time to be critical of yourself, why not spend the time to get to know yourself better?  How can you speak to yourself in a more kind way, and how can you help yourself through self-reflection to better help you determine the best next step in your own development and growth?

Photo: https://www.flickr.com/photos/debord/4932655275