The Ear Is Mightier than the Tongue

“Be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble.” ~ Frank Tyger

One of the easiest ways to connect with someone and actually have a great chance at coming to a resolution to a problem (and avoid conflict) is through the art of listening.  I know — you’re thinking that it’s an obvious statement…Keep your mouth closed and just listen…But, are you really listening to what is important?

If you’re listening so that you can formulate an argument through a “yes, but…” then you’re not listening.  If you’re listening but thinking about how wrong the person’s perspective or viewpoint is, then you’re not listening.  If you’re listening to someone but thinking about your grocery list, then you are certainly not listening!

When someone is upset or angry, it usually is stemming from a need that someone has that isn’t being met.  Just think of a child — if it wants a toy, but can’t reach it, the child does a great job of letting people know they he or she is upset about not having something they want.  A “need” is not being met.  I am not trying to compare adults to children, but the concept is the same.  If someone is upset or angry or frustrated or anything similar, it usually is because a need is not being met.

So, effective listening involves trying to listen for what needs are deficient.  When someone is talking, find out what the other person wants or needs.

Here’s my simple, four-step process for listening effectively to reach a solution:

1. Close your mouth and let the other person talk.

2. Listen to what they have to say, putting aside your personal opinions, needs, and wants.  The key is to accept their viewpoint as being accurate for them.  Everyone “reports” or describes situations based on their perceptions of what is real or tangible.  Simply accept what they have to say as fact for them.  This doesn’t mean that you have to align with their viewpoint — simply accept that they have their right to their viewpoint, just as you have a right to your viewpoint.

3. Listen for what they need or want.  Ask yourself, “What are they frustrated or angry about?  What need or want are they being deprived of?

4. Take a stab at it and guess at their need.  For example, you could say something like, “It sounds like you are very upset about the situation.  Is it that you want the opportunity to return the item for your money back?”  The other person will let you know if you are on the mark or not.

From there, you can then move into a problem-solving mode.  Obviously this is a simplistic strategy, but you would be surprised at how effectively you can turn a potential conflict into a collaborative problem-solving session.

I will have a guest on my radio show on Monday, January 23, Peggy Smith, who is a certified Non-Violent Communication (NVC) trainer, and the founder & principal trainer of Open Communication.  Peggy will enlighten us with some effective techniques and strategies which will lead, in many cases, to effective communication.  You won’t want to miss it!

Simply taking the time to listen, and proving that you are listening by identifying needs and wants, is a great way to build bridges instead of burning them.  Listening is the key to collaboration and problem-solving.

Give it a try, and let me know how it works for you.

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